This author is currently on hiatus for the ignoble cause of mugging. The public is advised to remain calm, as this routine protocol has been shown to have no effect on one's violent tendencies in 96% of cases.
| Thursday, September 18, 2008 |
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By P. Pyng Tom Lavatory Correspondent HWA CHONG BLOCK A: Local authorities have reported a worrying phenomenon: Toilet paper supplies are at an all time low. Demand has far outstripped supply, with the ubiquitous rolls mysteriously disappearing before sundown each day. There have even been daily reports of people being stranded in cubicles, when they realised that the rolls which they had taken for granted were missing only after they had done their business. Just last week one boy was arrested for crawling under the partition to the neighbouring cubicle in search of toilet paper - without realising that it was inhabited by the CEO himself, who had brought along his own personal supply of velvet wipes. This unprecedented shortage has perplexed authorities, as they claim to have done their part by providing a ready supply for all needy users, replenishing each cubicle with three extra rolls every day. Amidst sightings of the Toilet Paper Mummy, they however believe it to be the work of ill-intentioned spies from rival institution(s). These miscreants not only stole the precious rolls for their own personal use, but also dunked unused toilet paper in soap dispensers and even vandalised the toilets by tossing the toilet paper all over the floor of local toilets to form their school crest, in an attempt to ruin the pristine image of the pristine institution to draw students over to their own school by offering cleaner toilets on the other side. It was a well planned toilet fundamentalist attack executed at the most vile time right before the final year exams, a plot to deal a double-whammy to not only the institution's image but also its results as well. To combat this growing problem, the authorities have revealed their comprehensive three-pronged approach in a well-received public announcement earlier today: Reduce, Reuse and Recycle. REDUCE With effect from today, the institution will reduce its supply of toilet paper, no longer providing them for free in the toilets. Instead, classes are required to register for their own roll, restricted to one per class per day. The slated objective of this is to train students' strategic resource management skills, such that their main takeaway would be far more valuable than the toilet paper. However, the scheme appears to have have brought out the spirit of entrepreneurship in some students as well who have started a black market for toilet paper, taking advantage of people's desperation in times of crisis by charging exorbitant rates for emergency toilet paper supplies. The authorities' suspicion was confirmed by a surprise raid on classrooms, unearthing secret stashes of toilet paper in the drawer of the teacher's table. The traffickers have since been arrested and if convicted, could face a fine of three times the unpaid duty of the goods, which works out to be approximately two cents per roll. When asked if this scheme would generate unnecessary paperwork for the sake of a miserable roll of recycled paper, Mr. Snug, the institution's Toilet Overseer said: "Toilet paper should be seen as a privilege and not a given, considering that even our counterpart in India does not provide it. If this privilege is misused, the institution has the right to remove it across the boards; for example, if students do not do their work properly, rather than teaching them how to do it we intend to remove it completely. "It's very simple logic, really." REUSE Supplies are literally drying up, as janitors have been ordered to salvage unused or unflushed toilet paper strewn by recalcitrants on the wet floor or from the contents of toilet bowls and soap dispensers and dry them under the sun, in a desperate bid to make current supplies last as long as possible. Through the state-of-the-art "reverse soiling" process, the institution has promised to supply reused toilet paper that appears to be right out from the production line rather that right out of the WC, provided you overlook the brown colouration of course. In fact, clinical tests have proven the paper to be as clean as swimming pools in certain regions, with the process filtering our 90% of human solid waste. RECYCLE The institution will also be setting up recycling facilities to increase the supply of toilet paper. The authorities are appealing to students to drop unused readings and newspapers at collection points located throughout the grounds, after which they will be sliced by hand to give nice square sheets of paper for use in loos. The paper produced from this process will in fact be of a higher quality than that produced from reuse, and students will be able to dispose of their unwanted paper in an environmentally friendly way without feeling bad while doing their part for the school. Highlighting the viability of this scheme, the institution's spokesman said: "We acknowledge that teachers sometimes print in excess, and we believe that this new initiative would put them to better use than if students used them for paper confetti at the end of the year. In addition, wouldn't going to the toilet be a more engaging experience if you were able to choose which minister's photo, as printed in the papers, you want to use to clean up after you are done?" Most students applauded the efforts of the school in stamping down on toilet rascalism. Daol Yuen, a Secondary 4 student, said, "I believe the authorities' actions were fair and justified. Even though it was only the work of a few black sheep, however it is the student population's responsibility to watch over the toilet at all times, so it is only fair that everyone shares the blame. One for all and all for one!" However, some other students have voiced concerns over this development, particularly those afflicted with sweaty palms or oily scalps. One student has even gone as far as to sue the institution over his sudden outbreak of pimples, claiming that the removal of soap dispensers caused it. Ultimately, students have to realise that they are left to their own devices when answering to nature; they cannot expect toilet paper to be handed to them on a silver platter. They must do their part in saving all those trees which are converted into bum wipes, and also saving the school's money so they can spend it on the Learning Hub instead of plain old toilet paper. A few final rules to keep in mind:
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'Twas teh winnar at 9:31 pm.
